This month’s myth is that intercourse is the most satisfying sex act. Now, it is true that that is the sex act that most heterosexual partners engage in. That’s true. The question is, is it the most satisfying? Well, I guess it depends on how you define satisfying. I think that most people consider it to be the most important sex act. And young people certainly don’t consider themselves to have become sexually active in a serious way until they have had intercourse. And that’s too bad, because in fact intercourse is the sex act that puts them at risk for pregnancy – it’s about the only act that puts you at risk for pregnancy – and it also is the sex act that puts you at highest risk for the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, that and penile-anal intercourse. So it’s too bad that we don’t count other sex acts as being as legitimate, as important. That’s true that in that way, I guess, it is an important sex act, but is it really the most satisfying, and what do people have to say about it?

Well, in fact when we do research and ask people about their sex lives, it turns out that oral sex is a very important part of people’s sex lives, even though it’s not practiced as often, and we found in some of our research that, at least in young people, they tend to have two intercourses for every one act of oral sex. There haven’t been a lot of questions asked about that. But in fact, oral sex is more important for men’s sexual happiness than it is for women’s sexual happiness. Men talk about it a great deal when they’re interviewed about their sexuality, and they rate it very highly in terms of their sexuality, and I think that’s partly because men’s penises are very highly important to them and so any special attention that their penis gets makes them feel good about themselves and their sexuality. In fact, heterosexual men, research tells us, who receive oral sex are happier with their sex lives and with their relationships in general than men who don’t receive oral sex. So not only does it reflect on their evaluation of their sex life as being good, but then it seems to reflect more generally on their relationships in general. So oral sex has a very strong, positive effect and meaning for men. But interestingly, and I bet this is something that you wouldn’t guess, men who perform oral sex are also happier with their sex lives than men who don’t perform oral sex. Now that might tell us something about their relationship with their partner as well. But still, it’s a very interesting piece of information. And when women are interviewed about their sex lives, or answer questionnaires about their sex lives, we find that women want more oral sex than they’re actually getting. So oral sex, once women get over the negative things they’ve heard about oral sex or the negative jokes that are made about oral sex with women, once they try it, want more of it in their lives than they are getting. Interestingly, from another perspective, when prostitutes are interviewed or questioned about what acts are asked for by their clients, the sex act that is most requested of prostitutes by their clients is oral sex. And when prostitutes are asked why they think that is the case, they tell us that their clients tell them that they’re just not getting enough, or any, oral sex at home.

Now, the prevalence of oral sex in couples has been increasing over the decades in the 20th century. It’s generally been the highest in high socio-economic status couples. The higher the education, the higher the social class, the higher the economic situation, the more oral sex there is. And that’s true, by the way, with variety in sexuality in general. In fact, oral sex has moved up from less than around 50% of married couples in the Kinsey data, that was collected around the mid-twentieth century, in the 40’s and the 50’s, to more than three-quarters of married couples in the 1990’s.

I’d like to take this opportunity, as we talk about this particular myth, to talk about sexual satisfaction and some of the things we know about sexual satisfaction in couples. For men, marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are more closely tied than they are for women. So if a man is sexually satisfied, he is more likely to be more satisfied in his marriage, whereas other issues are more important for women than sexual satisfaction. But interestingly, in married couples the happiest couples are those in which both partners feel comfortable initiating and refusing sex. Very interesting. So that when both the man and the woman feel comfortable initiating sex – not just the man, and that’s one of the issues that’s been a problem in sexuality in America, is that men have felt that they’re always the ones who are supposed to initiate, and that puts a great burden on them. And it’s important for women to initiate. And in fact, we find that 80% of men, when asked, say they wish their partner would take the initiative more often. But also a problem is that men feel they’re never allowed to refuse. And that puts a great burden on them. So we need for women to initiate more – that makes for a happy marriage – and we need for men to feel that they have the permission to refuse when they want to refuse. So that’s something to keep in mind, and something to talk about – this would be a great topic for discussion in a relationship. Do you feel free to both initiate and refuse, and does your partner feel free to initiate and refuse? That would be a good topic of conversation.

Here’s another interesting bit of information. The more attractive a woman and her partner believe she is – we’re not talking about him now – the more varied the couple’s sex life turns out to be. And you know, that’s not surprising, because women are so concerned about how they appear and how their partner feels they look, they’re so worried, and that’s sometimes why women don’t like to have the lights on during sex, and one of the things we know also about couples is that men like to have the lights on more than women do, and that enhances it. Because remember – men are very visual – they are visual animals. They are because long ago, in evolution, they were the hunters – and for hunting you need to look. And also for getting an erection, visual stimulation is very important. And it may go way back in our genes and our evolution. And so many men enjoy seeing things while they’re having sex – watching themselves be stimulated, watching their partner. But women feel very uncomfortable about that because they’re worried that they might have a little cellulite on their thighs or something like that. So it’s not surprising that if a woman feels attractive and if she thinks her husband or lover thinks she’s attractive, that they’re going to have a more varied sex life, because she’s probably not worrying about how attractive she looks. So it’s a very smart idea for a man to do everything he can to make his partner feel attractive, and to think she’s attractive – and you know what, you’re going to get a better sex life from that.

Here’s another interesting fact that we learned about satisfaction and happiness with your sex life. Couples who have equal relationships report more frequent intercourse with the woman on top. Interesting. And couples with traditional sex roles are more likely to limit their intercourse positions to just the missionary position. In fact, the less power that a woman has in a relationship, the more likely the couple is to limit their intercourse position to only the man on top position. So, if your sex life seems to be a very one-note sex life, if you’re a man, and you’ve tried to get your wife or your partner to be more creative in your positions and you can’t seem to do it, maybe it’s because your roles in your relationship are also very one-note, and maybe it’s time to open up that relationship.

So – for a more satisfying and happy and varied sex life, I guess the lesson that we can learn from this research is first of all, tell your partner how attractive he or she is, particularly if it’s a she, but I’m sure it works well for men too. Give and receive oral sex. That’s going to help. Vary your intercourse positions – and you can do that more easily by making sure your partner, particularly if she’s a woman, thinks that she’s beautiful and thinks that you think she’s beautiful. Take and encourage your partner to take the initiative in sexuality, and also give them permission to say no when they’re not in the mood, and break down some of those traditional sex roles. And finally – share the power. And that’s our myth for this month.

© 2005